Kristen Stewart

Dear Kristen Stewart,



Ride faster.  I'm sure the castle has a bathroom you can use



This is the opening weekend for your new movie Snow White and the Huntsman.  First off, congratulations!  I've seen the movie, and while I left it feeling confused on a bunch of issues, chiefly among them was why yours and Charlize's characters are quarrelling, I'm sure it will be a big hit at the box office based on who's in it alone.  It has the incredibly beautiful Charlize Theron, that guy from Thor, and you.  People are going flock to this film.  So congrats. 

Now back to why I'm writing you.  Please go see a doctor.  I'm legitimately concerned with this look of constipation you seem to always have on your face.  It's almost like you have a tiny little tummy ache.  Not enough to stop you from functioning in the real world but enough to cause you discomfort.  Please do something about this.  It's really distracting.  You're financially well off enough now, that I'm sure you could see a specialist if you need to.  But if discretion is more your thing, might I recommend that you scamper down to your local drug store for a home use enema?  Then this little problem will be between you, me, and your local pharmacist.



Even in real life you seem to be in pain



As a side note I was also confused why Snow thought she'd be a good leader after doing nothing more than being in a dungeon from her toddler days to the present time.  Also, she must have been a natural at sword play because she could barely hold a blade in the beginning, but at the end of the movie she's leading the siege.  Oh and what was with the fairy land thing?  I'm sure the special features on the Blu Ray will explain it all.

Congratulations on being rich, popular, and famous.  Best of luck with the whole bowel movement thing.