Kristen Stewart

Dear Kristen Stewart,



Ride faster.  I'm sure the castle has a bathroom you can use



This is the opening weekend for your new movie Snow White and the Huntsman.  First off, congratulations!  I've seen the movie, and while I left it feeling confused on a bunch of issues, chiefly among them was why yours and Charlize's characters are quarrelling, I'm sure it will be a big hit at the box office based on who's in it alone.  It has the incredibly beautiful Charlize Theron, that guy from Thor, and you.  People are going flock to this film.  So congrats. 

Now back to why I'm writing you.  Please go see a doctor.  I'm legitimately concerned with this look of constipation you seem to always have on your face.  It's almost like you have a tiny little tummy ache.  Not enough to stop you from functioning in the real world but enough to cause you discomfort.  Please do something about this.  It's really distracting.  You're financially well off enough now, that I'm sure you could see a specialist if you need to.  But if discretion is more your thing, might I recommend that you scamper down to your local drug store for a home use enema?  Then this little problem will be between you, me, and your local pharmacist.



Even in real life you seem to be in pain



As a side note I was also confused why Snow thought she'd be a good leader after doing nothing more than being in a dungeon from her toddler days to the present time.  Also, she must have been a natural at sword play because she could barely hold a blade in the beginning, but at the end of the movie she's leading the siege.  Oh and what was with the fairy land thing?  I'm sure the special features on the Blu Ray will explain it all.

Congratulations on being rich, popular, and famous.  Best of luck with the whole bowel movement thing.

The Kardashians

Dear Kim,

I get why you're famous.  I don't like it, but I get it.  Your ASSets are legendary, nay EPIC!  Not only that, but you did the country a favor by giving us an opportunity to forget about that twig Paris Hilton.  After all...real women have curves.  Wouldn't you agree?

BUT WHY THE FUCK do I know who your sisters are?  Seriously!  I need an answer.  They aren't as hot as you are and they are as dumb as Paris so its the worst of both worlds.  And despite how scrumptious your mom is, I just have to give a big ol "Fuck You" shout out to all of you for ruining my image of Bruce Jenner.  He used to be the Great American Athelete.  Now he just looks like the Joan Rivers version of Michael Phelps. 

So fuck you for that.

Medical Professionals

Dear Medical “Professionals”,

Take your cancellation/no show fees and put them where the stethoscope can’t reach.  New rule:  For every day we are healthy YOU pay us.  Get it? Got it? Good!

This was inspired by my last Dr. appointment.  The appointment was scheduled to start at 2.  I checked in a little early and at 1:50 the doc comes out of the back room, takes one look at me, and says, "I'll be back soon. I'm gonna go grab some lunch".

That was a big F-U to me.  Good times.

Gay Neighbor

Dear flamboyantly gay neighbor,

No one cares that you’re gay.  This is Seattle after all.  So when I ask you what you’re cooking on your grill please do us all a favor.  Don’t give me the fantastically exotic name of some recipe you just read about.  Instead allow your lisp filled voice to simply say “skirt steak”.  This way I’ll know what you’re talking about and can stop pretending to care.

Coinstar (Redbox)

Dear Redbox,

Please consider installing a sensor that will apply substantial volts of electricity to patrons that exceed a 3 minute browsing limit.

Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

Please cease and desist with the making of any and all “Dance” related movies.

This opening salvo was inspired by the below trailer.  I stumbled upon it last weekend while looking through IMDB to see what was playing.  Haven't we all had enough?